- evansph2
- Oct 13
- 3 min read
I admit to having an on again, off again relationship with meditation. But I have a continual firm sense that it is something I SHOULD do. So, occasionally I take myself off to a class or a retreat and learn once again WHY it is important to pursue this practice. This week-end I attended a day long retreat that involved walking meditation. Here is what went through my mind as I walked;
“I shouldn’t be walking in the sun because I don’t have sunscreen on and I forgot my hat. (move to shade) It’s chilly. I don’t like the wind that’s blowing. I’m a bit cold. I should have worn my jacket. I’ll walk partially in the sun and partly in the shade (move again). I prefer the part that’s in the sun – but it is slightly uphill. I want a pair of those cool pants that woman has on. I want that book I just saw in the bookstore. That one and the other one too. I shouldn’t want so much. The wind is blowing my hairdo. I have a problem with buying books. Pay attention to your footsteps. I could do this at home every night – but we don’t have a beautiful place to do it in like this one here. I am grateful to have a healthy body. I notice the ants, the other walkers, the golf cart that passes by. Back to right, left, right, left. How long before the bell rings? Why don’t I just take a walk, instead of this 20 step back and forth path. Ah, there’s the bell. It’s over.”
Now I am reminded what meditation teaches! it teaches how my mind has a steady stream of preferences. It shows me how many desires I have constantly streaming through my head. It shows me how quick I am to label something as boring. It shows my constant striving to be doing something other than what I am doing. It shows me how I can mindlessly be doing something and in my head be somewhere completely different. How we do any meditation practice is probably how we do our daily life. Well, all of that is not exactly welcome news. I did not come away from this period of walking meditation with ease and comfort. I came away mad at myself! And therein lies the second lesson. (This first lesson being, “just watch what arises in your mind”.). The second lesson from any meditation is that this is not a simple task. It will show you that you are going to fail over and over at “just watching your mind”. Your additional task is to show loving kindness to yourself for the aspects of yourself that show up that you don’t like and for the way your mind more or less contstantlywanders off . We are trying to nurture equanimity in ourselves – no matter what shows up. Not to label the experience as good, bad, pleasant, unpleasant, right, wrong. But simply no notice what is true and how you respond to what is true. And in the midst of that to cultivate kindness toward ourself.
Most of us have quite an entrenched habit of judging ourselves and others. We have a habit of a stream of judgments about almost every experience or thought we encounter. And we have been building this habit for however many years we have lived. It’s not going to go away easily. Meditation is a method of slowly, slowly, slowly working towards becoming more of the person you want to be. It may take more than the rest of your life. It is a PRACTICE not a goal. Learning to simply be with this continual succession of agreeable and disagreeable experiences of life with an open spirit, open heart and open mind is why I meditate. And I often forget that!
