The third of Frank Ostaseski’s invitations that death offers us for living, is to “bring your whole self” to any situation you meet. Not only in the hospital room of the dying, but in your everyday life. It is tempting always for us to put on a happy face, to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps, to pretend to be “OK” when we are not. It is sometimes tempting to smile when you are angry or sad, to say “yes” when you want to say “no”. It is tempting to offer only "small talk" when you actually crave deep conversation. But as Ostaseski faced the whole big room of us at this conference, he took a breath and asked. “Aren’t we all tired of pretending?” He posited that that was why we might have chosen to be at this conference. We have all been socialized not to show our warts and failings, to cover up our mistakes. And not to show our feelings – especially the ones we dislike; anger, sadness, envy etc. And there are times when it’s appropriate to cover up. But death’s invitation is to be willing to show up with uncombed hair, failing grades and dirt under our fingernails. It is precisely people’s failings that draw us to them. Others who are willing to show up as they are, give us permission to do the same.
Though we all want to be seen as in control, happy and positive, the fact is that we are not. The irony is, he says, that these aspects of ourselves that we most want to hide are exactly what gives us access to others. If we know our own vulnerabilities, we are more likely to be able to understand and accept the vulnerabilities of others. If we are scared, and know and admit that we are scared, it helps us respond to others who are scared. Wholeness does not mean perfection. It means being honest in a genuine, heartfelt way. When I can dare to cry in front of you, your tears may be freed. It is a gift to others to bring your total being – especially to difficult situations.
It may be true that you “should” be in control of your feelings, able to see the positive, be willing to put on a happy face. But the truth is that sometimes you are not. And the spiritual work is to learn about AND SHARE your whole self, not just the parts you like. To learn to accept what you actually feel rather than what you wish you might feel. And then to have some tenderness toward the part of you that is diificult. This is not carte blanche to spew your feelings anywhere any time without concern for the other. It is an invitation to NOTICE what you actually are feeling and to share that in an open, honest, heartfelt and caring way when appropriate. To show up as your whole real self in a humble way.
What would it mean
to put your hand
on the clear glass knob,
open the door
of your tiny life,
step into summer
sunlight with
your laundry basket
of flaws and regrets?
Pin them
on the clothesline,
notice how many
trees and birds
don’t even know
your name.
So much in this world
is willing to give you
another chance.
