Generosity

No act of kindness, no matter how small is ever wasted.  ~Aesop

I read recently (where??) an article about generosity which suggested that we not second guess our desire to be generous.  To be kind.  To not decide against generosity because it might cost “too much” time or money.  But rather to use our own generous impulses to be the kind of person we want to be.  To give into generosity rather than to mistrust it.  She gave the example of someone admiring a scarf she was wearing – and her impulse was to take it off right there and give it to the person who admired it.  But, she thought to herself, “I may need this scarf several months from now… I might miss it if I give it away (even though this is the first time I’ve worn it in months.). She didn’t give the scarf away --- and later she wished she had.

What does it really cost our soul when we decide not to be generous?   … to leave a meager or no tip, to avert our eyes from the person on the corner asking for change, to hit NO on the question “round up for the hungry” at the grocery store.  Yes, there are, of course, people who might scam us, and how do we know the money we give goes where we want and on and on.  All valid questions – and yet?   And yet, might we treat these opportunities where we have an impulse to bake some cookies for a friend or to take a casserole to the neighbor, or add some extra to the tip – what if we treated these as opportunities to practice our own generosity.  To expand our giving rather than to measure it out.  To name that as a spiritual practice.

I’m not suggesting we give away the family fortune, only that we take opportunities to be generous (especially with our time) when they come our way.  I want to see myself as generous.  I want to live in a world that is generous. Generosity doesn't only mean giving money -- but giving time, giving space, giving physical assistance. May we create the generous world we want to live in. 

To give is not

to give away –

but rather to accept

oneself as generous.

To open your heart,

your fist, your wallet.

Not for the other

but for you.

For you to embody

the person you say

you want to be;

open

            generous

                        easy…

To give because

the giver also  gets.

            ~Penny Hackett-Evans

HAPPY??

What can you say YES to?   Can you make a list right now?  If you suddenly had more time, more energy, more money, more space, what might you say YES to?

I did that recently.  Some frivolous things appeared, some very simple things… what also appeared on my list was –" I could say YES go accepting my life as it is."  I could say YES to needing less.   And a line I heard many years ago about happiness came to mind..

If you want to be happy, be happy.

Just that.  To realize truly that my happiness does not depend on the exterior world.  Being happy is an internal experience.  I remember a spiritual director I once had who went suddenly deaf after she had a baby.  She talked about how she ranted and railed at God, at the universe, the hospital, and on and on.  She lived as a ball of rage for several years, chasing possible “cures” etc.  At some point, she just gave up.  She faced the fact that she would never hear again.  And somehow, she found her way into a deep acceptance of that.  Nothing in her life had changed.  She was still deaf.  She still had to deal with all that that meant.  But, suddenly she described herself as “happy”. 

I don’t imagine that happened overnight.  I don’t imagine it was just a matter of “be happy”.  Of course, she was not permanently happy.   There were still times when she deeply wished she could hear again.  The exterior facts did not change.  But she somehow engineered or stumbled upon, or relinquished into the truth of her life.  She was deaf.  And she could also be happy.  Or at least she could be more or less happy.  At least as happy  as the average person – even though her life was not average. 

This story gives me hope.  Even though how it happened is not clear.  The fact that it happened.  A person suffered an unwanted calamity and somehow found her way to accept the truth of the situation.  And that acceptance set her free. 

I don’t think one can just “decide to be happy” and happiness will suddenly descend.  I always disliked that phrase/song “Don’t worry.  Be happy.”  But I do think it’s possible to both worry and be happy.  And maybe “happy” is not exactly the right word.  Maybe it is about having equanimity  with your life as it is.  Maybe it’s about teeny moments of joy now and then.  And it’s about opening the gate to the possibility of joy – despite our circumstances. 

Walking Meditation

I admit to having an on again, off again relationship with meditation.  But I have a continual firm sense that it is something I SHOULD do.  So, occasionally I take myself off to a class or a retreat and learn once again WHY it is important to pursue this practice.  This week-end I attended a day long retreat that involved walking meditation.  Here is what went through my mind as I walked;

            “I shouldn’t be walking in the sun because I don’t have sunscreen on and I forgot my hat.  (move to shade) It’s chilly.  I don’t like the wind that’s blowing.  I’m a bit cold.  I should have worn my jacket.  I’ll walk partially in the sun and partly in the shade (move again).  I prefer the part that’s in the sun – but it is slightly uphill.  I want a pair of those cool pants that woman has on.  I want that book I just saw in the bookstore.   That one and the other one too.  I shouldn’t want so much.  The wind is blowing my hairdo.  I have a problem with buying books.  Pay attention to your footsteps.  I could do this at home every night – but we don’t have a beautiful place to do it in like this one here.  I am grateful to have a healthy body.  I notice the ants, the other walkers, the golf cart that passes by.  Back to right, left, right, left.  How long before the bell rings?  Why don’t I just take a walk, instead of this 20 step back and forth path.  Ah, there’s the bell.  It’s over.”

            Now I am reminded what meditation teaches!  it teaches how my mind has a steady stream of preferences.  It shows me how many desires I have constantly streaming through my head.  It shows me how quick I am to label something as boring.  It shows my constant striving to be doing something other than what I am doing.  It shows me how I can mindlessly be doing something and in my head be somewhere completely different.  How we do any meditation practice is probably how we do our daily life.  Well, all of that is not exactly welcome news.  I did not come away from this period of walking meditation with ease and comfort.  I came away mad at myself!   And therein lies the second lesson.  (This first lesson being, “just watch what arises in your mind”.). The second lesson from any meditation is that this is not a simple task. It will show you that you are going to fail over and over at “just watching your mind”.  Your additional task is to show loving kindness to yourself for the aspects of yourself that show up that you don’t like and for the way your mind more or less contstantlywanders off .  We are trying to nurture equanimity in ourselves – no matter what shows up.  Not to label the experience as good, bad, pleasant, unpleasant, right, wrong.  But simply no notice what is true and how you respond to what is true.  And in the midst of that to cultivate kindness toward ourself.

Most of us have quite an entrenched habit of judging ourselves and others.  We have a habit of a stream of judgments about almost every experience or thought we encounter.  And we have been building this habit for however many years we have lived.  It’s not going to go away easily.  Meditation is a method of slowly, slowly, slowly working towards becoming more of the person you want to be.  It may take more than the rest of your life.  It is a PRACTICE not a goal.  Learning to simply be with this continual succession of agreeable and disagreeable experiences of life with an open spirit, open heart and open mind is why I meditate.  And I often forget that!