It's Not what We Wanted...

Like everyone, I continue to wrestle with despair and hope, with blaming and acceptance, with wonder and resignation. I have had to stop listening to the terrible news -- which doesn't even seem new any more. I don't want to ignore the terror, but the relentlessness is difficult. Something in me also wants to find solace, of course. And, I did find solace in this poem that has been making the rounds on the internet. (and isn't it lovely how people are turning to poetry so often these days!). Despite the fact that terrible suffering and loss have certainly and will certainly continue to happen, something in me wants to also hang onto the fact that we COULD be changed in positive ways by this very unusual situation where we find ourselves. May we all continue to make our way toward healing and hoping... to that end, I thank the author of this poem by Kitty O'Meara...

And the people stayed home. And

read books, and listened, and rested,

and exercised, and made art, and

played games, and learned new

ways of being, and were still. And

listened more deeply. Some

meditated, some prayed, some

danced. Some met their shadows.

And the people began to think

differently. And the people healed. And, in the

absence of people living in ignorant,

dangerous, mindless, and heartless

ways, the earth began to heal. And when the danger passed, and

the people joined together again,

they grieved their losses, and made

new choices, and dreamed new

images, and created new ways to

live and heal the earth fully, as they

had been healed. ~ Kitty O’Meara, Madison, WI‌

More on Corona (what else is there?)

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In this blog I sort of want to write about anything BUT Corona – but there doesn’t seem to BE anything but that in the world, on my mind, in my heart. If you are like me, you both do and don’t want to watch the news. I am sort of curious about the news. But, every time I listen to it or read an article, I get all twisted up inside -– begin having diarrhea even! And yet, it feels irresponsible not to keep up with what is going on.

I vacillate between wanting to focus on the blessings in my life and then feeling like that is a bit false in the face of the gravity of it all. Of course, both things are true – we have to remain grateful for all that we DO and DON’T have at any given moment. And we need to remain hopeful and to put things into perspective.

At the same time, I want to honor the deep fears that so many of us hold and the deep and actual pain, illness and even death that is present among us. I want to offer comfort and compassion and to walk alongside all of that as well as to look out the window for rays of hope somewhere.

Everything is a balancing act, isn’t it? Today happens to be a gray day here, mirroring my internal fears and obsessions. I am not drawn to take a walk, even though I know I would likely brighten up a bit if I did. There’s always a tug of war going on inside me it seems. I worry about things that I have no control over and are very unlikely to happen and yet a part of me says that worry is important too. Worry is what keeps us in line – keeps us inside, keeps us washing our hands. And I also know that worrying about things I can’t control is useless in many ways. How will I look back on these days we have spent being so careful, so isolated, so pre-occupied? How I will look back on them likely depends on how bad it gets, on whether or not I or my loved ones actually get sick.

Tom and I even found ourselves looking over our advanced directives and thinking about the possibility of things like ICU and ventilators etc.etc. So, in the midst of all that, I read a few poems and wrote this one myself about this state of wanting and not wanting to open the blinds!

The Cord

I twist the lever

of the window shutters

and let the gray world come in.

Ordinary, this day

and yet not. This day filled,

as they all are now, with fear and bad news.

If only we each had

a lever we could twist

to keep out what we don’t want

to see or know. And yet…

There could be sun, green shoots,

neighbors passing by on the street.

There is in me a need

to shutter and to open,

simultaneously.

There is no cord

(Ha! Ha! - just then I wrote chord instead of cord)

My pen knows more than I

about what I want.

Not a cord that rigidly controls,

but a chord

that might sing

me open to it all.

Two gifts for you

In these hard days, I offer you a poem and a song.

The poem is from Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer. Please check out her work at her website; www.ahundredveils.com

The Most Important Thing

communicating in the time of Corona Virus   Just two weeks ago, it was sufficient to say, hello, good morning, good bye. But now, in every text, every email, every phone call, I tell my friends and family how much I love them. I tell them life is better because they are in it. I say it with the urgency of a woman who knows she could die, who knows this communication could be our last. I slip bouquets into my voice. I weave love songs into the spaces between words. I infuse every letter, every comma, with prayers. Sometimes it makes me cry, not out of fear, but because the love is so strong. How humbling to feel it undiluted, shining, like rocks in the desert after a rain, to know love as the most important thing, to remember this as I keep on living.

Then please listen to this beautiful song by Carrie Newcomer, "You Can do This Hard Thing".

Do take care of yourself and your spirit in these difficult times. We CAN do this hard thing -- together.