"Don't Know"

“Death is not waiting for us at the end of a long road.  Death is always with us in the marrow of every passing moment.  She is the secret teacher hiding in plain sight, helping us to discover what matters most. “   Frank Ostaseski

And so we continue our exploration of the Five Invitations that death offers us. according to Ostaseski.  Just to review;

1.      Don’t wait.   Be who you want to be, do what you want to do, NOW.  It’s not about death and dying, its about the unlived life.

2.     Welcome everything, push away nothing.  Resist the temptation to avoid thinking about unpleasant things.  Instead turn towards them to see what they have to offer.

3.     Bring your whole self to every experience.  Be open minded, open hearted.  Stay in every moment instead of running away.  Become curious.

4.     Find rest in the middle of things.  Look for moments of ease in every day, situation.

and finally, invitation number five – Cultivate a “don’t know” mind.  Clearly there are mysteries that unfold slowly to us.  Things we will never understand.  Instead of trying to “under stand”, be content to just “stand under” what can’t be known.  This is a much harder tasks than having answers to every question.  It is why we are UUs.  We pride ourselves in cultivating the courage to not know… to allow openness. 

Ostaseski says that one definition of “Samara” (suffering) is “the endless urge to improve”!  At some point, we need to rest in the knowledge that life is difficult and that we are doing the best we can with the circumstances we are in.  Bow down to the fact of suffering, and difficulty.  And find in the bowing a release of having to have everything be a certain way.  We don’t have to like the circumstances of our life… but we have to meet them. 

Death is ordinary.  We are all here and we are all disappearing.  Let us all find the courage to ask our death how we should live our life.  And let that inquiry bring some measure of peace and joy as we go on learning our way down this path of life.

I just want to name that these posts i have made about the Five Invitations came from my notes taken at a workshop with Frank Ostaseski. I felt the information was so important I want to share it with you. I do not want this very small whittling down of his very powerful book to dissuade you from reading the whole book. In fact, I hope the opposite is true. You will find MUCH information there and I surely hope you will buy or borrow the book from your library to see the depth of all he has to teach us. I know that many people have taken the book to read together slowly and study with a group. I hope you will consider that too. Here is a link to his website and the book. The Five Invitations.

KINDNESS ON THE SHELF

Last year I bought the book and the character of “The Elf on the Shelf” for my toddler Grandsons.  This year, as it came time to get out the Christmas decorations, we watched a TV show about the elf on the Shelf.  I suddenly had a very uneasy feeling about the whole thing.  I don’t like the idea of the Elf more or less “spying” on the children and reporting back to Santa about their behavior.  Not something I want to encourage.

Just yesterday a friend told me about an alternative that has shown up in recent years.  It is a “Kindness elf" who also shows up in unexpected places in children’s homes daily during December.  But instead of spying on them, he carries a little note giving then a specific suggestion about how they might show kindness that day.  “Hug 5 people today”.  “Tell 4 peoiple that you love them.”  “Visit someone who needs to have a friend.”  “Bake cookies and give them to your friends.” etc.etc.  This seems like such a much better activity than being spied on!

It also occurred to me that we adults could have such an adventure too!  We could be asked to “write a letter to a friend”, or “donate to a new charity” or even consider kindness to ourself.  Maybe today’s note says “spend an hour reading and sipping a hot drink”. or “Write a letter to two friends”. or “put candles on the table tonight at dinner”. 

I plan to create a list of little kindness notes for my Grandchildren’s Elf. And also I may create 25 little notes to myself to read each day about being kind to others and to myself.  The gift of kindness being spread into the world is perhaps one of the most important things we can do.  Will you join me?

KINDNESS DOESN’T WEAR BOOTS

Kindness doesn’t wear boots,

or need a spotlight

or keep a tally of debts.

It doesn’t seek recruits

or insist on being right.

It doesn’t fish with a net.

It doesn’t wear fancy suits

or make things tight

or harbor regrets.

It simply sees what matters most

and offers itself.

~Penny Hackett-Evans

REST

The fourth of Frank Ostaseski’s invitations that death offers us in our current lives, is to REST. This notion goes counter to everything we’ve been taught and everything our current culture seems to value.  I was at a retreat this summer that encouraged us to rest as much as possible.  Many of us found that idea to be difficult to embrace.  There is always so much I want to do, could do, should do.  That will be forever true.  But it is a radical notion to realize that we don’t necessarily benefit by always chasing that next rabbit.  At that retreat, I experimented with taking a blanket out on the grass and napping or at least just lying still for a period of time every afternoon.  I was astonished at how nourishing it felt to do that – but must admit that I have not continued the practice in my “regular” life.  What an injunction we seem to have against resting.  But I sincerely believe that somehow a portal opens for us when we can dare to slow down.

There is a currently popular book, “Rest as Resistance; A Manifesto” by Tricia Hersey. In it she encourages us to connect to the liberating power of rest, daydreaming, and naps as a foundation for healing and justice.  She talks a bit about how slaves had no opportunity to rest so they resisted by “leaning on their hoes”.  Today’s employees sometimes organize a work slowdown in the same fashion.  Creative ways of finding rest in a culture that somehow doesn’t allow for such a thing.

At the workshop with Ostaseski, a young parent raised his hand and said that he was bone tired from the task of parenting toddlers but that there was realistically no way to “take a nap”.  Ostaseski replied that most of us don’t have blatant opportunities to physically rest but that we must learn to somehow remain restful in the midst of a busy outer life.  It is such a challenge.

I offer you here a warm blanket to swaddle you back to your deepest self.  Rest easy friends.